Humor for the day

[WDVE]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.  Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

[WDVE]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa  .  'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[Boo]

Just heard that Youtube, Twitter and Facebook are going to merge and it will then be called YouTwitFace.com

[WDVE]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.  His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'  Bob replies, 'Girlfriend?  She's my wife!'  They are knocked over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'  'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[WDVE]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through  Holland  ..  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.  'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'  She then asked, 'What do you do in  America  with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

[redcap]

Have You Ever Danced? 

                  An  old prospector shuffled into the town of   El Indio ,  Texas  leading an old  tired mule.  The old man headed  straight for the only saloon in town, to clear  his parched throat.  He walked up to the  saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch  rail.  As he stood there, brushing  some of the dust from his face and  clothes, a young gunslinger stepped  out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a  bottle of whiskey in the  other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old  man, have you ever danced?"  The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,    "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,"  and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off,  started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.  The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.  The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.  The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.  The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin  barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted  to."
       

       There  are a few lessons for us all  here:
       

   Never  be  arrogant.
   Don't  waste  ammunition.
   Whiskey  makes you think you're smarter than you  are.
   Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
   Don't  mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I  just love a story with a happy ending, don't  you?

[WDVE]

There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.

Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.

While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."

Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.

All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.

The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.

[redcap]

A guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his
drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a
menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"

 The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says.  "I
didn 't think you'd CRY.  I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right.  I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found
my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.  I left my wallet in
the cab I took home.  "He continues crying even harder.  "Then I found
my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.  So, I came to this
bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then
you show up and drink the poison."

[WDVE]

Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

[WDVE]

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"

[WDVE]

A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Damn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going."

[redcap]

Reminds me of two real world experiences.

High School: Our pitcher threw a no-hitter and we won. We did have (I believe) five errors and there were like 7 walks. I think we won 4 to 3.

While overseas we had an undefeated season going when our pitcher rotated stateside. The new guy in his first game started with sixteen (yes that is 16) straight balls. We got out of the inning with only two runs scored and he was blaming his fielders.

[WDVE]

Oh that's typical...blame someone else.....lol

[WDVE]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? "

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

[redcap]

A man took another to a baseball game. The visitor had never seen baseball.

The first batter hit a ground ball between short and third. The host stood up and yelled Run Man RUN.

The next batter doubled off the wall scoring the first and the host again stood up and yelled Run Man Run

The third batter drew a walk on four pitches. The visitor stood up and yelled Run Man Run. The host explained that the batter had four balls and did not have to run.

The visitor said four balls? Then yelled Walk PROUDLY man walk PROUDLY.