Humor for the day

[WDVE]

I went fishing this morning before work, but after a short time I ran out of worms. I was looking through my tackle box trying to find something I could use as bait when I saw a cottonmouth on the bank about 6 feet away with a frog in his mouth. I know frogs are good bass bait and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now my dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

[WDVE]

 The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in
 front of a huge crowd.
 
 The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one
 little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
 joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their
 hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
 
 Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand?
 Show me!"

 
 So the Pope backhanded the bitch!
 

 
 AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
 
Kinda brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

[Alfred E. Neuman]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83tnWFojtcY

[millcreek]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCbSCvJoHx8

[Alfred E. Neuman]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFhu7Jq9Tr0

[pbal]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFhu7Jq9Tr0

@ 5:05: "Good party, but no whiskey. We go home."

[WDVE]

One evening as Jack passed little Tommy's bedroom he overheard his son praying, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa."

The Dad wasn't quite sure what Tommy meant by this, but was pleased to see his son praying.


However, the next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor after suffering a heart attack. Jack was rather spooked but convinced himself that it was just a coincidence.

The next night, he heard Tommy praying again: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy. Bye bye Grandma."

Jack was getting worried now, but decided to just wait and see what transpired. He awoke early and went to check on Gradma, sure enough she was laying dead on the floor after suffering a heart attack.

Jack was really scared now and made sure that he was listening outside Tommy's bedroom door when he prayed that night.

His worst fears were realised when Tommy said, "God bless Mummy. Bye bye Daddy."

Now Jack was terrified. He couldn't sleep at all that night and went to the doctor's first thing the next morning for a check up. After getting a clean bill of health from the doctor he went to work and spent the day being exceedingly careful.

When he finally arrived home that evening his wife was waiting at the front door.
"Thank God you're home," She said, "We've had another terrible day here. The postman dropped dead on our drive this morning!"

[Alfred E. Neuman]

A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100$ ?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
 
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. 

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000 dollars?!"
 

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 dollars...; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."   

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.  As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them. 

The woman finally get's annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?' 

Nah," says the little old Jewish man . . . "Costs too much!"

[Alfred E. Neuman]

[Alfred E. Neuman]

[Alfred E. Neuman]

Baby Taco.....poor kid.....

[Alfred E. Neuman]

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says......  W  T  F   ..............

[WDVE]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the  family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

[WDVE]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No Sh!t?'

[WDVE]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied.  'The rest are for your father.'